Temptation at it's best (long)

Why is it that on the day of rest, we seem to have the most stress?  Here is how my day went:

I woke up this morning at 8 am and felt great.  I've been wanting to get started on a sewing project for a while now and I finally had a couple of hours to myself that I would be able to spend working on my hobby. 

After a couple of the kids woke up, things were still going well.  (Not that I enjoy "helpers" when it comes to laying out pattern pieces.)  With my pieces cut out and my sewing machine up and running I was for sure going to be able to wear this new creation to church today. In my mind I was going to have a great day! 

Then trouble started brewing.  Things were not working so easily with the sewing, and the kids were not doing as they were asked.  Yes, I was asking... with a please and thank-you and not telling them what to do.  Clean clothes had been mixed in with dirty clothes and the boy's white shirts were missing.  The girls were half-attempting to comb their hair and find shoes.  Jon was still sleeping from working the night shift and I was trying to keep everyone quiet. 

I guess this is when I was being tempted to lose it.  Lose it at the sewing project, lose it at the kids, lose it at the dinner that wasn't going to be done in time for Jon to go to work...you name it, I was losing it. 

Church, which is usually a highlight amidst the stress was somewhat a downer, but then again, it's related to my attitude before I even walked into the building.  I had already fallen into the trap of misery today. 

When we came home from church, I hurriedly packed Jon's lunch with what I could find and fixed him a plate before he ran off to work.  The car he normally takes would not start for the second day in a row and so he took the van...which means that even if I wanted to go anywhere, I couldn't. 

I fed the kids and took my dinner up to my room.  I was determined to eat in quiet and not let the previous emotions over-take me.  I really wanted to be in a better mood and repent of my shortfalls I had early in the day.

Sometime after finishing my food, I fell asleep.  I don't even remember closing my eyes, but 40 minutes later I was awake again.  At first I thought it was just what I needed.  Something to help assist me in "starting over".  Then all of the sudden a pounding developed behind my left eye.  It felt as though my head was collapsing in on itself and, to be honest, I still have that feeling.

I tried to lay in bed for a while longer hoping that the pain would go away, but it kept eating at me.  I guess my physical state was mirroring my emotional and spiritual state because I felt awful.

Finally when it was time to put the kids to bed, all I could hear was the girls yelling "MMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

When I made it downstairs, temptation struck again, and yes, I succumbed.  There was "all manner of wailing and gnashing of teeth" to say the least.  I even believe some spanking of bums occurred.

I beheld a mess.  Not just any mess, but a mammoth mess. 

Both of my couches were missing all cushions and pillows.  DVDs were out of their cases and thrown about.  King size comforters were heaped into the mess with fresh chocolate smudges on them.  And to top it off, there was styrofoam "snow" all over everything. 

My sewing machine box that contained the original styrofoam pieces had been pulled apart and the boys had fun breaking it all up.  Now, I know I had put this box up because I knew that Ethan and styrofoam have a magnetic connection and there is always a mess when the two are together.

I know the right thing to do would have have been to express my disappointment for not being told that any of this was happening in a more calming manner, but I let the "right thing" fly out the window.  The girls sat and watched all of this happen in front of them like it was nothing.  Only after the chaos had been created, did they bother to let me in on it.

I regret my reaction and the way I've treated the kids tonight.  I'm sincerely sorry for how I "flipped out".  I know that choosing a more appropriate way of reacting would have been the right thing to do, but I was weak. 

As I vacuumed and picked up the mess, I shed a lot of tears and had some time to think. 

By falling into the temptation of being harsh to my children, I have left a wound on everyone involved.  I love my kids more than life and would easily give mine up for them. But at that moment, I did not show them any love.  I showed them what a mean mommy I can be. 



So I say to whoever is reading this...if you've made it this far... If you are a parent and find yourself having a hard day, remember our Savior and our loving Heavenly Father.  They love us so much and see us mess up time and time again and yet they are always there for us no matter how disappointing the situation.  Remember their love for us and pass it on to your children.  Let these precious souls learn of our love and the love of our Father.

I know I'm going to do a lot more to make sure that I don't fall into temptation again!