Serious Rambling...

I am tired. Life just seems to be running circles around me and I'm getting dizzy watching it. You know, the feeling you get when you try to focus on one part of a spinning merry-go-round or one single fan blade of a twirling ceiling fan. It makes me want to close my eyes, but I know that if I do, I will miss everything.
The kids are growing up so fast! Where has all the time gone? Growing up never seemed to go as fast as it is nowadays. I thought I'd never be old enough to babysit, or to drive, or even graduate High School. Now, I've got my own kids to watch after (wish I could get paid like babysitting), I drive them everywhere (still no paycheck-they don't even chip in for gas) and I just celebrated my 10 year HS reunion! Wow.
Tonight I went over and helped Jon's grandparents with a simple home repair and I got to thinking on the drive home how quickly life goes by. I had made a bunch of goals while I was a teenager that I wanted to have done by the time I was 30. Well, I'm 15 months away and I'm not going to be able get them all done. But some that were on the top of the list like going to college, getting married and having kids have all been completed, which makes me feel good.
Then I got to thinking about something my dad was joking (kinda) about. If you've seen the movie "The Bucket List" you might get where I'm going. We were talking about stuff that needed to be done with the house...new paint, new deck, normal upkeep stuff and my dad was joking about how it was on his "bucket list"...stuff to do before he "kicked the bucket". Instead of trips overseas, or other different adventures, painting the house was there on the list....So, I guess I've decided to re-evaluate my bucket list. Or at least make a list that isn't so mundane, and actually reach for it and try to accomplish those goals as if I don't have much time left to do them.
This probably isn't making any sense, but I've heard that if you jot stuff down that is running through your mind, you can sleep better, and ultimately that is one of my goals!
What else.....
Another thing that has been on my mind a lot is choices and consequences. I wish we could see into the future and know what the consequences are for some of our life's decisions. Some choices make it easy to see what will happen and others are a bit more foggy. Sometimes, the crossroads we come to start out as parallel paths. Over time, they drift apart. It's like an analogy I heard once about flying and being a degree off. You start out the same, but when it comes time to land, you can be hundreds of miles away from your actual destination. You just don't know that you're drifting from you actual, intended, goal. Sometimes the choices we make are intended to get us to that final destination, but we may have a few layovers or have to make a detour due to weather. Again, I'm not sure if this is making sense, but I'm starting to feel better.
I like to think of this as a mini therapy session..(just free). On part of my mind is telling the other part how to deal. I can actually hear my voice in my head trying to explain some of the feelings/emotions I have. How funny is that? At any rate, I'm able to process a lot of chaos that is going on in my mind. I even find myself repeating previous conversations out loud while I drive or walk. It's like I don't want to let go of that memory and so I'm re-living it until it's burned into my brain....Ok...now I sound like I need to pay someone to listen to me!
Well, I think before my head starts twirling like a ceiling fan, I should end. I never dreamed I would be a stay-at-home mom to four kids (ok, my dream actually was to have 2 girls and 2 boys....crazy!) and have such a great and loving husband. I truly feel cared for and loved by him. He has been there when I really needed him and to that I am grateful. Some days, I want to scream, and I do, but on the whole, I love my life and I am happy for the choices I made and for the goals I set.